Words I cannot say
by Casualis
Summary: Truth is beauty, Yeats said. But truth can be the most painful thing in the world. There are words a father cannot say. An attempt at portraying Thranduil as a good loving father.


Fic: Words I cannot say

Author: Casualis

Mail: Casualis2000yahoo.fr

Rating: PG-13

Pairing: None

Summary: Truth is beauty, Yeats said. But truth can be the most painful thing in the world. There are words a father cannot say. An attempt at portraying Thranduil as a good loving father.

Author's notes: Thanks to Dinah and Talullah for beta-reading. This is an attempt at portraying a good Thranduil loving his son.

Elven words are taken from Orchyd Constyne's phrase book hoped to find nice Sindarin endearments by myself but just gave up when faced with the difficulty of the task.

Time has passed since night spread its dark mantle upon Taur-e-Ndaedelos, my land, my Kingdom. But in the caverns where I have guided my people for shelter, the sight of Varda's scattered jewels is inhibited by the thick walls of rock that form the most efficient protection for those I swore to shield from harm.

When I was young and carefree, I spent the hours from dusk to dawn walking through the few gardens surrounding the caves, seeping into the wholeness of nature, relishing in the feeling of freedom coursing through my being. Many nights have occurred since I walked beneath the shining stars.

My presence is required in other places. Long gone are the years of carelessness and nonchalance. Most of my nights are spent dozing in the small room contiguous to mine; , holding the small body snuggled in my arms. I am no longer a youth; I am a king and a father. She thought me trustworthy enough to lay him in my arms. Keeping his nightmares at bay is now my duty.

Pen-dithen, hênen, meleth-e-guilen... [Little one, my child, love of my life…]

Once upon a time, I loved her. I wish I could laugh at this. The words sound preposterous, so far from what I felt then. I loved her so deeply that it still hurts today when the feeling is no longer in my soul. I loved her so much that I would have undergone the greatest torments to satisfy her eager heart.

I can still see her eyes, those huge silver orbs. They seemed to speak when she remained silent. They spoke words that I did not understand…would not comprehend. In her eyes I could see both flames and ashes, spring and winter, hope and despair, stars and darkness.

I loved you, dagnir-e-guren…[Bane of my heart]

I can still hear her laughter ringing; clear like the enchanting river that runs through the glade where we first met. It held both joy and sadness, void and space, love and scorn…love and torment.

I loved you, pen-vara… [Eager one]

Where she came from, I did not know and never sought the truth; it was her secret and part of the haze of mystery that never departed from her very steps. I had never seen her before and I did not know what brought her to the forest burnt by the heat of summer. She was like a sprite of the woods, an ancient creature that knew no constraint or chains. Her steps were light and dancing; her dark hair like a cascade of ebony the length of her slender back; her lips were curved in an enigmatic smile; the songs that she chanted had the same essence as the woods I adored. She came into my life in the same way as she left it: simply and lightly. She changed me. She changed my way to behold the world. She made an adult out of the child I was then.

In her shadowed eyes that were so alike those of a child, I came to live spring and autumn, voluptuousness and tenderness… everything in a complex intertwining of love and lies, in a compromise between the depths of evil and the promise of havens.

I loved her as I never thought I could love. But our time together only lasted three springs. Striving for freedom, she left us far behind.

Aye, meleth. You were my first true love and probably the last… the one that left scars that will never fade as you turned your back to me. It took time, meleth, but I have overcome this. Tonight, I can say it: I do not love you anymore. You are further from me than the real distance between us, more alien than when we first met. Tonight, meleth, I have stopped seeking your image in my memories but it does not mean it has faded yet. I recall the wine we drank after passion, the fire in your blood and the modesty in your eyes. I remember how alike we were…as though made of the same flesh. I thought I knew you by heart but in truth, I knew nothing of you.

For the first time, meleth, I do not miss you. I am not alone. I never was. He is my anchor, my support in a world that changes too quickly for one to follow.

Long gone is the moment when we embraced in that hidden glade and made love on the ground; rolling on the green grass. I will never forget the scent that filled my nostrils, the abandonment in her eyes, the feeling of her warm breast pressed against my chest as she told me I would be the father of her child. I did not even think of protesting. There was so much certainty in her voice and I loved her too much to deny her anything.

I did not know then that she would refuse to bind herself to me…that she would not remain by my side. This knowledge was far from me as I moved within her with all the heat of my passion. That day, we brought a new life into the world. My child…our child. Life was beautiful. How could I have asked for more?

With time I came to understand that she spoke words of love when she did not know what love was really. I never realized this before. Her body in my bed and her breath melting with my life was all I asked for. Listening to the beating heart of our child growing within her was all my joy.

When our son was born, I cried. For the first time of my life, I cried unabashedly in front of someone. But these were tears of happiness. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, and yet so small and so trusting. Beaming his toothless smile at me, he imprisoned a strand of my hair in his small closed fist. His eyes were blue…so blue that they called back the distant memory of the sea. He let out a small gurgle before closing his eyelids and falling into sleep; his delicate head resting on the crook of my arm.

My heart has been his since the very moment his innocent eyes fell upon me.

And he has been mine in return, for she gave him to me. Do not mistake my words; she gave me a son. She forsook him into my arms. A few days after his birth, she told me she could not be a mother. She had wanted to know what it was to feel him within her core but she would never be able to watch over him and to teach him as he grew. I would be a good father, she assured me before leaving, tearing my heart into pieces before scattering them to the wind. My gray-eyed beauty left and never came back.

She was right when she said I could be a father but I cannot be the mother that little one needs so much.

I try. I do not know if I am a good father but I try to be one. I try to give him the limits he needs to grow, to be his anchor and strength in his changing world. I offer him my love and everything else he asks for. But I cannot give what his heart really seeks even if he never voiced his desire… a mother.

He is so strong, my Greenleaf. Much stronger than I. He is a child of the forest, a spirit of nature like his mother. But he is so young and seems so frail that I am afraid of hurting him by telling him that his mother did not love him enough to remain at his side to watch him grow.

He is so beautiful, my son. His golden hair, deep blue eyes and serious countenance, he takes after me From her, he inherited his charm and wildness… everything that made me love her. Looking at him is like looking at her and makes my heart bleed anew.

He never asks about her. Ten springs have passed since her departure. He sees the other Elflings with their Naneth but he never asks. He does not speak the words that burn his soul and make his eyes shine. But at night, when nightmares claim his sleep, it is her that he calls in his sleep… her, this shadow in his mind, the dream of his childhood. But the arms that sooth him are mine not hers. The strength of a father instead of the tenderness of a mother. The clumsiness of a male instead of the breast of a female.

Tonight, nightmares haunted the small nursery. His frightened cries awoke me as they had done on many other occasions. Sitting on the bed I built with my own hands, I caught him as he leaped in my arms and sought the warmth of my presence. Then I sang him to sleep and, after I promised to watch over his sleep, I watched him drift into the Elven dreamscape

I am certain that he dreams of her, whom he had never known.

Pen-dithen, hênen, meleth-e-guilen... [Little one, my child, love of my life…] If you were to ask me about her tonight, I would not know what to say, for she is not returning to us. I came to accept this and I know that you will also. I have no sorrow anymore but I know yours will come soon. One day, this long question will pass your tender lips and my heart will freeze in my chest, for it is a pain I would take it away from you.

For this grief that will come, I hate her.

I am not sure I will find the words to explain something that I do not understand. How could she choose to leave once she beheld your small face and loving smile? There are questions I have no answer for.

One day, you will accuse me of not telling you sooner and I will beg for your forgiveness for not telling you. I will speak of my weakness, of my love for you; I will beg and you will forgive me because your heart is kind and you love me.

One day, you will cry as I cried but your sorrow will be stronger than mine. I will take you in my arms, my child, and I will wipe your tears away. I will tell you a story of people that once loved each other and played dangerous games together. Once upon a time, my son… Once upon a time…

My little leaf, I will break your heart. No other words will hurt less. This day, you will understand that we both play a game whose rules we do not really understand.

Do not fear that life might part us. I will not leave you… Never, that I swore the day she left us. It is not the tree that forsakes the flower. Elflings grow, become adults and they do need their parents anymore. That is how things come to pass.

For the moment, you are young and ignorant of life; you cling to me, raising eyes filled with hopes and confidence. But time passes and you will grow too quickly for me to accept it. Every night when I hold you in my arms, I think of the day when I will have to let you go.

Your sleep is restless and I tighten my embrace around your frail body. Hush, my son. Hush.

She is not there… but I am. Your father I am and I will remain.

I love you… Pen-dithen, hênen, meleth-e-guilen... [Little one, my child, love of my life…]


End file.
